The Way of Wisdom: Friendship
Proverbs 14:25; 17:9; 17:17; 18:24; 19:11; 20:6; 25:17, 20; 26:18-19; 27:5, 6, 9, 14, 17.
Introduction. Today as we conclude our series in the book of Proverbs titled, The Way of Wisdom, we will be looking at the topic of friendship.
We live in a lonely and anxious age. Major studies reflect the same dismal trend: people are increasingly isolated. A 2021 study by American Perspectives exposes the sharp decline in friendship in the U.S. over the past 30 years. They found that 10 percent of women and 15 percent of men report they don’t have a single friend. The percentage of women with more than 10 friends has dropped from 28 percent to 11 percent, and for men, from 40 percent to 15 percent. We’re more and more isolated, and we feel it deeply. According to another report, 61 percent of adults in America feel lonely, and the rates of loneliness are highest among those who are younger. In the U.S., life expectancy has started to decrease for the first time in many years.
We are more efficient yet busier. We are more connected yet lonelier. We have the greatest health care in the history of the world, but our life expectancy is going down. We know more than we have ever known about the world, the body, the brain, and yet we are given over to folly. T.S. Elliot’s words in his poem, “The Rock” speak to our condition. He writes,
“The endless cycle of idea and action, Endless invention, endless experiment, Brings knowledge of motion, but not of stillness; Knowledge of speech, but not of silence; Knowledge of words, and ignorance of the Word. All our knowledge brings us nearer to our ignorance, All our ignorance brings us nearer to death, But nearness to death no nearer to God. Where is the Life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?”
What has accompanied the modern era’s fixation on invention and information is the loss of intergenerational relationships. We are losing the contexts in which wisdom is shared. We have beggared ourselves. Today we are going to look at what the book of Proverbs has to say about friendship. In particular, we will be looking at: 1. What makes a friend, 2. What loses a friend, and 3. What restores a friend.
Read the sermon passages: Proverbs 14:25; 17:9; 17:17; 18:24; 19:11; 20:6; 25:17, 20; 26:18-19; 27:5, 6, 9, 14, 17 (ESV).
Do they not go astray who devise evil?
Those who devise good meet steadfast love and faithfulness.
Whoever covers an offense seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for adversity.
A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love,
but a faithful man who can find?
Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house,
lest he have his fill of you and hate you.
Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart
is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.
If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the LORD will reward you.
The north wind brings forth rain,
and a backbiting tongue, angry looks.
Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death
is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
Oil and perfume make the heart glad,
and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.
Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice,
rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing.
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.
Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,
but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor
than he who flatters with his tongue.
A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.So firstly, 1. What makes a friend? There are many descriptions about friendship with which I believe you are familiar. Solomon and the other sages in the book of Proverbs recognized that a true friend is not a fair-weather friend – that is, when things get difficult, true friends stick around. They are “fast” friends (not quick but steadfast). They are friends who are friends through thick and thin. We recognize that (Proverbs 17:17) “A friend loves at all times.” And we know that (Proverbs 18:24) “there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” We know enough that we need good friends. Many of us are aware that we would like to have those kinds of friendships. We think we would certainly be one of those people, but the truth of the matter is we are opinionated, anxious, awkward, clumsy people who are needy or proud and like being comfortable. How on earth can you have friends who aren’t merely fair-weather friends if both of you can at any moment be the foul one?
There was a time when I was complaining to a friend – probably complaining about people complaining. My friend listened to me go on, and then he asked me, “Who do you think you are? Randy-sunshine?” Now, that’s friendship. Why? Because a true friend is faithful. (Proverbs 20:6) “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?” My friend, was faithful to me, and he was faithful to playing his part in encouraging me to be whom the Lord was calling me to be. Exposure without rejection is the foundation of an encouraging, faithful friendship. But these sorts of honest, loving, ways of communicating oftentimes is not what we experience. Why? Because we don’t believe that foul-weather could ever be of any benefit.
We read that (Proverbs 17:17) “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Not only is true friendship, brotherhood, born for adversity. It just might be born through adversity. Have you ever thought that? Isn’t that what King Henry in Shakespeare’s play, Henry V, says?
“From this day to the ending of the world, / But we in it shall be remember’d; / We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; / For he today that sheds his blood with me / Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,/ This day shall gentle his condition: / And gentlemen in England now a’bed / Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, / And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks / That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”
I think men are more easily motivated by necessity. Maybe that is why passing through an experience together that no one would choose for themselves makes for such fast friends. Are there no battles that we are waging or caught up in? Is there not enough adversity for us to grow into being these kinds of friends?
We read that a true friend offers earnest counsel. (But not too early in the morning; they are circumstantially aware). (Proverbs 27:9) “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” (Proverbs 27:14) “Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing.” Do you think that being a Christian makes you so strong and competent that you don’t need any help – that you don’t need any counsel? And if you do think that way, what do you think the book of Proverbs is for anyway? Where is your teachability? Where is your earnest seeking of wisdom?
Sometimes the adversity and the counsel come together to such a point that what is needed from a friend who “sticks closer than a brother” is the pointed, piercing rebuke of accountability. Faithfulness both to you and the Lord requires it. A true friend is one who opposes you for your sake. (Proverbs 27:5, 6) “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” I’ll speak more to the qualifications and wise application a bit later, but do you have friends who are willing to risk your good favor because they love you enough to tell you what you need to hear? OR on the other hand, do you have any friends whom you love enough to risk the relationship in order to tell them the truth? A true friendship isn’t merely a fair-weather friendship because a true friendship hones character. (Proverbs 27:17) “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Friendship is relational sanctification; it is a mending relationship. We need friends, and we’ve got to learn to be better at it.
So, that’s what friendship is, that’s how you know you have a friend. 2. What loses a friend? There are no doubt more, but here are four things that breaks friendships. The first is: repeating a matter. (Proverbs 17:9) “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” You can think of this in several ways. It could be the repetitive nagging which irritates. It also may be doing again a thing that you know offends or hurts a friend. If you knowingly do again what you know your friend doesn’t like? You’re risking the friendship. You may also repeat the matter by bringing up something which has been dealt with before, but you are not letting it go. To dredge back up things in the past, exposes a breach in the friendship that has not been repaired. How can there be reconciliation if friends cannot look each other in the eye? But that it isn’t all. “Repeating a matter” may also be gossip. If you are passing along something that has been told in confidence and can reasonably be expected to be kept private, you are violating trust. How can there be friendship without trust?
A second thing that breaks friendships is transgression. By this I don’t mean sins per se, but I mean overstepping boundaries. If you are not up for learning and acknowledging the boundaries of other people’s lives you’ll find yourself seldom in their house. (Proverbs 25:17) “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” Friendship does not presume upon others. And consequently, friends are aware of where they are and in whose presence they are and where that person is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. (Proverbs 25:20) “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” [Don’t you think it cool that people three thousand years ago had probably done the volcano experiment in their classroom in Memphis, Damascus, or Babylon?]
A third thing that breaks friendship is one we may not at first imagine does so (let alone think of it): flattery is not friendly. Why? A flatterer is not a truth-teller. A flatterer is a person who is in the relationship for themselves. They are getting on your good side so as to get something from you. True friendship is not always easy. (Proverbs 28:23) “Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue.” Can you have a friendship based on not telling one another the truth? Instead you might as well be setting up trip wires for them. (Proverbs 29:5) “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” Flattery is using the tongue and your words to manipulate another person. That is deception, and lying breaks relationships.
The fourth and last that I have for you is a person who is sarcastic or is a mocking talker. Sarcasm is anger dressed in the costume of a joke. The sarcastic joker or the mock-ster (mocking monster) is (Proverbs 26:18-19) “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, “I am only joking!”’” When you rebuke another, you pierce them, and to do so only for your amusement or as if you aren’t, is a betrayal of friendship. Friends (or pastors) who pierce with words only to dismiss the wounds they cause is relationship breaking.
So we have what a friend is, we have what breaks friendship, let’s look at, 3. What restores a friendship. For the most part, we are incredibly resilient people. Many of you have been through very difficult things. You have suffered incredibly. You have been wounded deeply. But I don’t know any of you who are so proud that you would not forgive someone who offers a sincere apology. There is actually great promise for the possibility of having deep friendships, but if we are to have them, we need to be patient, forgiving, confessing, and loving people.
1. Forgiving. Forgiveness begins by being slow to anger. (Proverbs 19:11) “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” This is the idea of being “forbearing.” To forebear, Michael taught me and the youth, is first a finance category. When a debt is due and the debtor is unable to pay their lender, the lender has the prerogative to compel restitution by suing or imprisoning the debtor. The lender may also forbear the loan. That is, they may postpone or delay its due date at their own expense, that is, they may bear the terms of the debt forward themselves. This is what Paul is speaking about in Galatians 6 when he speaks of “bearing one another’s burdens.” We are to be forbearing of our friends. In so doing, we do as Jesus Christ did/does, and we do not ‘count their debts’ against them. So we can be forebearing with one another, and we can even absorb the transgression by assuming the debt ourselves and by letting a thing go unmentioned.
Not only do we have the opportunity to maintain friendships, but we, 2. have the opportunity of winning our enemies into friendship. (Proverbs 25:21, 22) “If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you. The north wind brings forth rain, and a backbiting tongue, angry looks.” As we win friends and subsequently make peace, we are ultimately telling the watching world to Whom we belong. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for you shall be called the sons of God.” Again, the heaping of hot coals is the image of driving a besieging army away from the walls of a city. Loving your enemies both preserves your life and your enemy’s life. You can even make friends of those who are enemies if you will only seek to love them.
(And this may seem wildly counter-intuitive), 3. Confession. Confessing to one another leads to greater friendships. I’ve seen more hostility disarmed and more good will generated by a person who was willing to come forward, lay down their self-protection and the management of any outcomes, and just say, “I am sorry.” (Proverbs 28:13) “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” Some of my most effective pastoral moments have come when I said I was sorry before I had to have it beaten out of me. Sometimes, I think my ministry is just to apologize. When someone comes to you armed only with a sincere apology, it changes the atmosphere.
And lastly, and this is probably the most obvious and the least recognized: 4. Love. If you want a friend, love them. (Proverbs 17:17) “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” We are all at different places in our lives, and are walking through different circumstances almost every moment. To love a person where they are, to be praying for them, and to be seeking to encourage them will not be time wasted. (Proverbs 14:25) “Do they not go astray who devise evil? Those who devise good meet steadfast love and faithfulness.” When you imagine one another, are you digging up past wounds and harboring resentments, or are you ‘devising good’? Are you spending the energy of your thought-life on the beauty and mercy you could bring into other people’s lives? Using the power of your imagination in this way is much more wholesome than trying to create a story that justifies the shame that bubbles just below the surface of your belief about yourself. And note the promise: “those who devise good meet steadfast love and faithfulness.”
Conclusion. If you do these things, if you set yourself out to live in such a way, you may find yourself, lonely. I’m not kidding. If you give yourself to others in love, if you put others above yourself, before yourself, you are going to find yourself asking, Why am I doing this? The only answer is love. However, When you believe you are friendless, alone, spent, unappreciated, unrecognized, remember that you are not alone there. The Lord Jesus has been there, and he, by his Spirit, is with you in the most intimate of ways. He is our true elder brother. He is our good Shepherd. He shows us the face of the Father.
References
Allberry, Sam. "With Friendship in Decline, Belonging Is a Powerful Apologetic." The Gospel Coalition. June 26, 2023. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/belonging-apologetic/.
Eliot, T.S. The Rock. London: Faber & Faber, 1934.
Jacobs, Alan. "The Friendliness of Objects." Snakes and Ladders (blog). December 31, 2024. https://blog.ayjay.org/the-friendliness-of-objects/.
Ortlund, Ray. Proverbs: Wisdom That Works. Edited by R. Kent Hughes. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012.
Next Sunday, we begin the Gospel of Mark.